And you wonder why I'm bitter

Now I know how I can escape a impaired driving charge and get away with only having to pay about $1000.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2010/03/09/jaffer-case.html?ref=rss

I need to become a useless MP and marry a verbally abusive, uptight, Cabinet minister.

Eventhough he blew over 80 milligrams on a breathalyzer test ... the crown prosecutor dropped the impaired driving charge because there was 'no reasonable prospect of conviction'

I must have shit in my ears again ... because I know I must've heard something wrong.

I've known enough people who blew over on a breathalyzer test and they are still picking pieces of the big law book out of their ass after they had it firmly lodged up it with the fines .... community service hours ... and everything else. Only one of them got away with it because of the $5000 they paid to a shady lawyer who twisted the system around.

Perhaps he went the same way ... but my bitter, cynical, and just downright hateful mind when it comes to the justice system and government tells me that he was just treated differently from the rest of the masses.

So much for being equals ... wait, that's Communism I'm thinking off ...

People wonder why I go around telling all those to go out there and vote. And write on their ballot 'FUCK YOU GOVERNMENT'.

They are useless ... look at this douchebag. Driving under the influence ... beer AND cocaine ... this is also the same guy who had someone impersonate him on a radio talk show because he didn't feel like participating in it.

Not to mention his wife ... who feels entitled to a personal butler named Gerald ... who, at her command .... will remove the 6 foot stick that is shoved firmly up her ass ... sniff it ... proceed to beat someone with it ... then put it back up her ass ... then tell her that her shit doesn't stink ... who can go around yelling at airport security staff when they are just doing their job.

Don't get me wrong ... I think the additional crap that they pull at the airports are retarded. But, don't blame them. They are just doing their job so that they can scrape by a living on the backs of these useless politicians.

Anyways, I need a beer.

Work Converstations

This is what happens in my office ....

Andrew: I can't swallow
Me: I'm out! (Start to walk out)
Brandon: I'm with him (Andrew)
Craig: So, you two are a couple?
Andrew: I'm the husband!
Brandon: Good! That means I get the money!
Andrew: Well, why don't you swallow then?

I come walking back into the room.

Me: DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT?!

Cursing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really??
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!?


Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project..
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem .

N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss???

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick .

My Next Life

In my next life I want to live backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in a luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!

(Author: Woody Allen)