Growing Up

Christmas time is here ... time of cheer and celebration ... so, here I am using my laptop while on a Rogers Mobile Internet stick in the back of my mom's Jeep while Dad drives to Warburg to go see Grandma for our first of three christmas celebrations ...

We won't go into the subject of the current converstation ... since that's why I'm not writing this post!

I've realized lately that I'm growing up ... I may not be maturing ... but I am definately growing up ... and here are the reasons why ...

1. My friends aren't breaking up or hooking up .. they are getting married and divorced.

2. I cringe at the sight of people drinking heavily at the bar and not even close to being drunk ... not because they are drinking heavily ... but because I know how expensive that is

3. Phrases like 'Man, I drank alot last night ...' while hiding in the corner of the room under a blanket trying not to move are replaced with the phrase 'Man, I just can't drink like that anymore.' While face down on a couch with two cats lieing on your back.

4. I keep more food then liquor in my fridge.

5. I wake up at 5 am ... rather then going to sleep at 6 am every day

6. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles feel comfortable telling me sex jokes or making sexual innuendos

7. My dates are dinner & a movie ... that's it ... its not the start of the date. (Perhaps I've gotten cheap too ... ?)

8. I actually eat breakfast at breakfast ... No more pizza/cereal & beer

9. A doublecheese burger and a poutine at 3 am makes me cringe rather then sounding like a great idea after a few drinks.

10. My car payments have gone up ... and my insurance is cheap ...

11. I'm saying 'Congradulations' rather then 'Holy shit what happened?!' when I get told that my friends are pregenant.

I'm almost depressed at this revelation ... How many of them are true for you?

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2012 - Death by Irony

Verdict: RENT

Unless you want to spend money to see Woody Harrelson be one underwear-only attire scene away from being strapped into a self-love jacket and left to bounce around in a rubber room while watching Hanna Montanna or some other cruel form of visual punishment.

Not to say there wasn't beautiful irony in the movie ... plus, something I'm sure that alot of Directors have longed to do in a movie but feared for the backlash of it.

I'll give Roland Emmerich credit ... watching the Vatican get completely, and utterly, destroyed was a sight. No, I'm not a catholic hating bastard. I find all religion mostly useless, however we aren't here to discuss that.

But yes, the Vatican gets a good 8 minutes to show its destruction and the death of all the people worshipping. I'm sure Roland has gotten a few love letters over that.

My favorite ironic movie in the movie ... is the death of the US President (yes, he's black in the movie ... played by Danny Glover). The President of the US in the movie is killed by a aircraft carrier. The name of that carrier? The USS John F. Kennedy.

Just writes itself, doesn't it?

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NERDRAGE!

Okay. First things first ... The new Hot 107.1 ... this new radio station does nothing but bash The Bounce. That's all fine.

'We play more music then the bounce...'

'Hear the new music now or wait 2 months for the Bounce to play it'

Big freaking deal ... I've been listening to the radio station for the last few days ...

I thought The Bear was bad for repetition. Holy jesus christ. Yes, we all know that with the Bear you'll hear a AC/DC song atleast once an hour.

I heard the same damn song 6 times on 107.1 ... today ... yes, today ... on my drive out to Ft. Saskchewan and back. Yes, its nice that they play the new hit songs ... but holy crap. Keep playing songs like that and they won't be the new hit songs for much longer.

I do like the whole 'The Bounce is my mom's music' ... Hey, a mom that even listens to that kind of music is good enough. Better then listening to that country crap.

Now, a lesser ... and more irritating thing to cross my ears ...

Calmar has its own radio station now. Calmar has the population of about 2,500. The station is also run out of the Calmar Hotel.

Anyone who has been to the Calmar Hotel ... its not the most attractive place ... they claim it has undergone renovations ... so it might be better now. But the bar I remember ... reminds me of a musky old saloon with a pool table that has more stains then pool balls.

Now, its not the whole 'Calmar Radio Station' that has me going ... WTF Genius ... its the name.

Leduc Radio .... LEDUC FUCKING RADIO?! In Calmar?!

Did I wake up from another drunken stupor ... why the hell would LEDUC RADIO be in Calmar? Why not go open a bakery shop in Thorsby and call it Beaumont Bakery?! Also have the whole staff of said bakery speak only french ... just to really be a dick.

Doesn't make any sense ... then again ... Intelligence has gone the way of Common Sense ... some people ... they are just special with a captial R...

Right Sav?

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The Men Who Stare at Goats

So, I went to go see this movie with this girl that seems to be somewhat normal. But, she's not the topic of this post ... if you couldn't guess by the title.

I had high hopes for The Men Who Stare at Goats. Unfortunately, like a double mocha cappuchino latte, no foam extra skinny (Which I later found out is similar to espresso ... but also compared to doing the kama sutra and stopping before the orgasm ... which is funny in its own right), I was left with a feeling of something being missed.

Now, don't get me wrong ... alot of the movie showed the big name actors under the influence of LSD. That brings quite the amount of slap-stick and situational humor.

I wasn't expecting too much of a story line ... given the far-fetched topic of the movie. But, when the end came around ... both my date and I were left with the feeling of ... 'that's it?' ... like we got the reach around but no dinner before hand ... left thinking something was missing.

So, with that in mind ... lets talk about the funny parts.

Jeff Bridges as a hippie and an avid LSD user made for some good laughs while we explored his transendance to creating the 'New Earth Army' that is the corner-stone of super-soliders.

While everyone was hilarious in their own rights ... Kevin Spacey really made the movie for me. (Although the creepy child molester smile from the Brigadier General was a close second)

Nothing like watching Kevin Spacey have the facial expression like he's taking a constipated crap while strung out on LSD staring at a little spider on his hand ... or where the tension is broken at the supposed climax by a aptly placed ...

'Wow, I'm hungry' then Kevin Spacey walks away.

I'm going to consider this a disappointment. However, my date and I did find a few others movies that we are probably going to see in the future ... so, it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Time to go find something more productive to do.

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Weekend Adventures

So, for the first time since I went to Houston ... I got drunk. A wily weekend adventure that begins with a good ol' fashion Hockey Game ... yes, we lost ... lets not dwell on that.

Moving along ....

How many table kegs does it take to make 3 people drunk? One for Jill (she only had a few pints) ... But these things were a marvel. Les and I went through two before we called it a night ... and yes, I had more out of it because Les decided to be a weakling.

One hundred and twenty eight beautiful ounces of Alexander Keiths ... now, I pose a question to you all. When a waitress brings you something the size of a over-compensating blender with a small spout on it ... Am I the only one who wants to pull a Barney Gumble and just open up that spout and suck it all back?

(Yes, it may not be Strongbow ...)

One of these days ... when I meet up with my beloved Jill ... I'm just going to wear a microphone when we get together. We tend to have the most interesting converstations ... or more like bitch fests ... even down to the point where we slapping each other at the bar.

Always a good time ... even when we spend the next morning watching Avenger movies.

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Random Thoughts

Going with the bumper sticker I saw ... I wonder if my dad would let me put a 'My other vehicle is a Smart car' ... on his peterbuilt dump truck.

Why do lesbians get to have strap-ons and dildos ... ? They made their choice ... Why do they get to have the best of both worlds? Men get laughed at when they try to buy sex ... get what they want without all the drama ...

How fine is the line between personal trainer and dominatrix? I've had this converstation with my former trainer before ... I don't really think there is much of a line ... We (client) pay them (trainer) to make us sweat and feel pain (Starts as a burn ... but the next day you're in the bathtub full of Deep Cold) ... and we have to listen to their demands and obey them ... Well, okay, we can just walk away ... but then we don't get what we came for (Just like if it was a Dom ... not a Trainer).

Why is it called an Italian Soda? What's so damned Italian about it? Its not made of pasta ... its sugar syrup in soda water and ice! What's Italian about that?!

Am I the only one who will be going on a murderous rampage after hearing 'There's another brick in the Boulin wall'  .... ? (Perhaps to keep myself out of jail ... I'll just turn it into a drinking game)

Why the hell are you still reading this? Go to the chive or something ... good lord, I'm not -that- interesting ...

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Okay! Who ate my Volcano Taco?

Hell if I know!? I'm not even allowed to eat those kinds of food anymore.


Yes, I know I still do ... just not as often! Anyways, that's not why I'm here wasting both of our times right now.


Zombieland. If you haven't seen it ... in the popular words of practically all my friends 'What the hell is wrong with you?


Simply put, it was hilarious. Although Jessie Eisenberg reminds me wwwaaayyyy too much of the whiney Shea LeBouf and Michael Cera. Although, the well placed rules at random times quickly made up for it.


That and Woody Harrelson. The man is a genius ... plus Emma Stone was nice on the eyes ...


Now, I got introduced to a new website ... www.fupenguin.com ... nothing too special about this website. But, its just worth a good chuckle. All this guy does is take cute pictures of animals and tear strips off of them. Give it a peek.


Oh! Big news ... I finally bought a laptop! A nice, shiney, MacBook Pro. This thing is sweet. Now I can go sit in coffee shops drinking water and pretending to be all smart and judgemental on all you other poor suckers who don't have a MacBook Pro.


Knowing my luck ... someone will actually call me on my bluff and then I'll look like an idiot ... but its not like that'll be new.


I kicked an inflatable ball practically into someone's face at the gym on Wednesday. Ofcourse, my trainer laughed as I tried quickly to appease the annoyed man who looked like he could kick my ass with just his pinky finger.


Now, back to the Oiler's game ... GO OIL GO ...


Stupid Calgary ....

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Inglorious Basterds

Yes yes yes yes yes oh my god yes!

See it again ... and again ... and again.

That movie was better then anything that would be remotely labled as the bastard offspring from the love triangle of Iron Man, The Dark Knight, and Tropic Thunder.

Because I said so!

GI Joe - Cheesiest of the cheese. Nothing like watching a movie where there's nothing but sci-fi power suits, ninjas, and a whole hell of a lot of ass whopping.

French government wouldn't let them do a chase scene in Paris? They can just CGI the whole damn thing and blow alot of vehicles up in the process!

Total guy flick ... very little story ... related note ... I reconized the red haired girl in GI Joe. She played the Orion in Star Trek ... go figure, I remember the chick in the bra and underwear from Star Trek ...

District 9 - Holy crap awesome. That is all.

"They say good speeches are like mini-skirts. Short enough to be interesting but long enough to cover the essentials."

Best line to open with at a wedding where you're delivering the Toast to the Bride speech to a crowd of 50 people where only 5 of them you know. And of those 5 ... its been over 6 years since you seen them last.

So, what does one do when he arrives at a reception where he knows practically no one ... (the family of your friend that you're giving the speech for ... only the parents like me ... the brothers never really cared for me) and a open bar?

That's right ... sit at the table closest to the bar and spend the night tugging on the bartender's dress to ask for a drink. I did have to re-write my speech on the fly though ... I can't compete with the epic statement delivered by the grooms grandmother of 'JESUS IS COMING!'

Yes. Seriously .... she said that ... and told a story about how a friend of hers picked up a hitchhiker ... who said that then disappeared ...

So, you can see why I had to spruce up my speech...

Another one of the grandpa's from the groom's side ... My god his voice was something ... he had a really long ... god-filled speech ... but all I could do was imagine his voice reading the Lord of the Rings books outloud ... like, seriously ... voice over guy has nothing to the sound of this mans voice.

My speech went really good. The bride even started to tear up as I got into my mushy part ... although before hand I was talking about how freakishly tall she was when I first met her and how she never did lose the whole 'lost puppy' look.

It was a good weekend ... Now I got to go see Inglorious Basterds.

An introduction of sorts

So. There are alot of people who are sitting on my friends list. A few of you are ones that I've lost touch with all these years ... and through the glory of the interweb box that was blessed by the Hawkings himself to us undeserving peons ... you have been able to get back in touch with those who have disappeared to the annuls of time.

So, in the spirit of getting to know each other again ... Allow myself to reintroduce myself ...

I go by D.K. now ... no longer Dave, or David ... sometimes Douchebag ... but that's reserved for more intimate moments .... or maybe not.

I used to be your typical nerd/loser ... self-loathing and all that dumb crap. Not any more. I don't put up with drama, I just walk away. So, check it at the door. I grew up ... only enough to grow out of that depressing stage of my life.

I don't drink coffee very often, but one cup is usually enough to make me start vibrating with energy ...

I used to drink like a fish. Now I just have a beer or two, the heavy drinking is saved for very special occasions. I've done many stupid things while drinking ... as I'm sure most people have.

I go to the gym, have a trainer, who I've affectionately named 'Foofie' ... and now her fellow trainers call her that. One day, we're going to have a battle royale in ClubFit south side. I've already gotten her to smack me and we've since entered a new phase in our relationship. I've also threatened to rub my ass against her in retribution for causing my old gym shorts to rip with her sadistic games involving a 16KG ball from hell. So much history with those shorts all gone to waste.

If you haven't guessed by now, I've actually developed a sense of humor .. a rather crude one ... but one none the less.

I'm also very sarcastic ... not because I've become bitter ... okay, maybe I have become bitter. But not in a 'fuck the world' kind of bitter. More of a bitter as unable to comprehend the depravity that this world, and us, allow ourselves to endure. Nothing really surprises me anymore. Just a sense of cynical realism that is all too apparent to those who open their eyes and pay attention.

Anyways! Moving on. I'm a little bit crazy now. There are plenty of stories about stupid shit that I've done that I probably should've gotten into ALOT of trouble for.

Fireworks in Gasoline Alley ... after a night of drinking in Edmonton
Airhorns at College Grads and pretending to be a health inspector
Feeding Toilet paper out of a vehicle while driving down Jasper Ave
Many incidents involving Roman Candles ... and much more ...

No, no one has ever gotten hurt. So that's a plus.

I tease, I joke, I make inappropriate comments ... I harass the hell out of my friends. They know that I humbled by their continued friendship and that I generally bend over backwards for them.

I've been compared to being just as awesome as the Dos Equis spokeman who is named 'The Most Interesting Man in the World'. I'm working on having someone write a love song about me ... and to live vicariously through myself (Might help if I actually learn what that word means.)

I have a quote that I found a long time ago that I've adopted as a way to live my life ... I don't remember where I found it ... I just remember staring at it one day and going ... Yes. Yes, indeed.

So, for your reading pleasure:

Life is short, break the rules
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

So, welcome to my world. Don't worry about the spider monkey riding the Jack Rabbit that is dressed like Mighty Mouse. If you ignore it ... he'll just go away.

Revelations and Experimentation

Now, this time I'm sitting here watching all the Robot Chicken I just obtained while at work ...

This weekend was once again full of fun and has left me cursing myself on the Monday ... the driving range was fun and fulfilling ... just leaving me bloody sore afterwards. But, that's not what my rant will be about today ...

Matt has finally won the battle ... The long battle of correcting my bad behavior ... of being too freaking nice.

I've even gotten myself a teacher ... she was quite excited to do this ... think she's been waiting a long time to do this ... ha ha ha.

Anyways, what has brought about this recent change of heart? Other then many, many, years of being too nice and having things go horribly wrong for me?

Ha ha ha ... people seem to think when I ask a girl to come out for a night of drinks and entertainment ... I'm apparently trying to get myself into a relationship. Which is quite funny ... why?

I live in my parents basement for no rent ... and make $60,000 a year ... I have money coming out of the wazoo and I'm really just looking to have a wickedly good ol' time. Why would I want a relationship right now when I can finally enjoy being single and having a good time with people.

Told you I would write a blog about it just because I was bored! You know who you are.

Anyways, this should be an interesting new chapter ... see how long I can last eh?

Welcome to my new Experiment ... can I become less nice?


Party on.

In retrospect ...

So ... as I sit at my home desk eating a few slices of delicious, nutritious, delicio pizza ... I'm brought back to thinking about how my May long weekend unfolded.

Sure, I made a few bad choices ... okay ... I made more then just a few ....

Atleast I didn't shoot the roman candle at myself! Loken is expendable ... such is the way in my mob. I'm the Don for a reason, just remember that ...

Nothing like shooting off a few fireworks in the middle of a fire ban ... imagine the usual group drunk, or drinking, in the backyard of someone's place.

I'm the one holding the Roman Candle wick side towards me ... Chris lights the candle and I continue to hold it as such. Chris asks the life saving question, "Hey ... which way do these things shoot out of?"

Now, me being just completely awesome ... decided that it would be beneath me to actually look at the product label and assume that manufacturers would just make the candles in a fashion that I would shoot them in.

Obviously, that is not the case. So I've added firework shops to my list of buildings that will be targetted ... with what? Well, I'm not about to give you any ideas ... But, I digress ...

So, upon those words from the flunkie, I decide to turn the roman candle where neither end is pointed towards me. Just after doing so, the roman candle starts shooting its little lights of fire out of the end that was pointed towards me. The first ball shoots downwards towards Loken's foot, bouncing off of the back of the house and shooting over my shoulder before I managed to correct it.

Now, ofcourse Loken bitched at this ... he has yet to realize ... it's considered an honor to take a bullet for your leader. Atleast I wouldn't laugh at his agony ... well, not much ... okay, that's just a complete lie ... I would laugh.

So, 4 hours and many fireworks later ... we have expended the entire load of fireworks ... good thing the real whiney neighbours were gone for the weekend. The others didn't care, most of them came out to watch. No fire marshall ... so no one tattled.

So, lets fastforward to the next day ... The Pawn Shop ... for SONiC's anti-saturday or something like that ... It was a good time, a classy joint for the rag-tag misfits that decided to accompany me to Whyte Ave. Ofcourse, I let Loken win at Mario Kart ... had to atleast show appreciation for his near comedy-inducing incident that might've lead to his shirt being caught on fire.

I even made a rare apprearance on the dancefloor ... showing off my well-hidden moves to the rest of the world. No, I wasn't drunk ... that's probably the most surprising fact. Guess who I was dancing with must've been something ... or maybe it was just because I couldn't stand the sight of Mark anymore and had to find a reason to get away ... (really, it was Loken I had to get away from ... until he video taped the whole me dancing thing ...)

So, it was an interesting weekend ... I'm sure there will be something equally amusing occuring this weekend ... never know when I decide to leave the safety of my parents basement and show myself in a public setting that isn't work. Atleast the police aren't following me anymore ...

Peace.